Thursday, 06/06/2002 Entry: "Well, I Wasnt Entirely Faultless or: "It just happened" (cyberme pt 3)"

...And somewhere along the line - mind you this was all after she knew who and what I was - we started playing out romantic scenarios. But I can't say even now that this was a lesbian affair. It was more two pathetically lonely women acting on a fantasy with a really drop dead gorgeous guy. When she came to visit New York in May 96, we were a couple of pals, with no evidence of this other world scenario at any time.

I was warned that this might get freaky (as though it weren't already) because she had lost her mother. Eventually, the weirdness came through. By midsummer, she had managed to pick a fight over anything, stomping around like some martyr. I even tested her...

See, we ran a channel on one network on certain nights a week, then another channel on another network the remaining nights. She owned Channel-A and I was an operator. I co-owned Channel-B with her, which meant she had full access with the main password. For the heck of it one night in August, I politely asked if she'd mind providing me with the password to Channel-A as we allegedly co-owned it. She flew into one of her rages again.

There was a lot of emotional yo-yoing with her throughout September (oh, those encounters were long gone by then, like sometime in June), and for the most part I observed her get worse, while everything was everyone else's fault. It became worse for me as well, since for the first time in my life, I actually entertained suicidal thoughts. Emotional energy is a very valuable commodity for me. After an inflammatory moment in October, she left my channel and never came back.

I had by then joined an online correspondence course studying a Silver Ravenwold primer on witchcraft, and was almost in shock to realize that it was actually okay to disagree with someone. I had originally joined as a gesture of support since she stood up on her worn out soapbox and insisted she was going to be a witch and suddenly started saying "Oh Gods!" (I have this aversion to people who change their lingo to make a statement. I wouldn't be caught dead spewing "Merry Meet." Faith shouldn't be wielded like a flag, but believed in). Fortunately, we were in separate courses under the circumstances. More on Magick another time...

In December, her presence returned. She tried to Email me smalltalk like nothing happened. I asked her not to contact me. So she started stalking . What she had taken to doing was monitoring the list of users on my channel, then apparently conjuring up ideas about them. She made her intentions apparent on Christmas Eve 1996. The person in question, a new regular (let's call her Newreg), was on IRC and drunk. She was scared because she wasn't a drinker. It was just when I thought Nutty's presence in the past would have made us a good team for comforting her, when said Nutty triggered my notify (she was on the network). She msged me "You didn't waste any time." and left. Hit and run was her style. It was weird because she was the biggest waste of time of my entire life, and the last thing I'd ever do again was get involved again in that manner. It was one fucked up deal.

She tried to wield her knowledge of my identity as a weapon of deluded vengeance when I told her where to go - a vow broken (see my final entry in Exploding Chicken about the acts of the self-righteous) - by trying to expose me to my online friends, who all knew by then I was female. So then she made an alias nickname and msged Newreg the boyfriend line etc etc... (insert cuckoo clock sound here)